she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
