Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
