I hate your face
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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