Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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