my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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