Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We had to coat check the pizza.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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