I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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