now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize