My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
