new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
