Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
