Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
