ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
