so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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