So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
