and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Randomize
