Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
nutella sex= disaster
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I deserve this hangover.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
