How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
