If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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