He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
