the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
