You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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