I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
