Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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