I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
