Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize