I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Randomize
