i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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