I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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