I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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