Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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