On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
