Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
