sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
