My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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