I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize