i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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