tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
