god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
