just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
