I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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