somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize