you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
