thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
