There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
tell me about the fingering
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