Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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