There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
