I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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