I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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