She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
