So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
