would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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