It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
