So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
