you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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