btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize