just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
