Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
