I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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